I´ve got the illusion that I’m better with
words when I write, therefore…
You make me a better person, as I told you
before, you’ve got this power of calming me down. And that power has been the
one that has forced me to be with you. You know that I’m not emotionally
stable, even though I’ve learned to live with those thoughts, you are the only
person that makes me forget that. When I’m with you it seems like those
thoughts do not exist and more importantly that they are not real, but that
they live only in my head.
Having to look to you every day and take a
deep breath… It´s painful wanting to touch you and not being able to, it´s been
too many years to avoid that, to fight against that…
Try to understand that it’s because I have
feelings for you that I didn’t act on them, during all these years, because I
saw that you were happy, because I cared more about you than about me, because
I know it would be unfair to you to be selfish and try to conquer you and
confuse your feelings. I had to make a choice, either I learned to live with
it, or I would lose you. And I
couldn’t take that chance. I knew that if I did it, it would be harder. I was afraid of losing you,
of not seeing you anymore, of not having you close to me.
Now, I don’t
know anymore… I feel that I’ve been fooling myself all these years, that maybe
I’ve never stopped of being in love with you. To dig all that is very hard.
Maybe I should have taken the risk, maybe I’d be happier, either I would have
forgotten you or I'd have conquered you, instead of being anchored to you…Like I am…It
frightens me the ease with which you break me. So little was needed!
What we
feel for each other is real, it´s not an illusion as you want to believe to
make you feel better. Do you think you feel what we feel for so long and that
it is all an illusion? I can´t believe that… And you will see that in the future, you will give me reason…. There are things that you just can´t explain. What we
feel is one of them. You love me and you know it. You’re just not in love with me. The inevitability of things is
incredible. And believe me, we are a benchmark on that! Don´t blame only me
that we are not together. The truth is that you are scared. Scared of the uncertainty
that it might ruin everything. Don´t tell me you are happy, we both know it´s
not true, you are just scared because you settled. One day you will understand
that, by yourself. We feel things for each other that scare us, that consumes
us, and that makes us lose control…
You would be happier with me, but I can´t
force you to see that, you’ve got to realize it by yourself.
The feelings you give me are unique! Fear,
hate, love, affection, genuine care. This windmill of emotions are only felt
for special people. And you are one for me. Maybe the only one.
I’ve dreamt with your death you know, you
have no idea how I woke up, I was so frightened, so lost! Like I never felt. I
also dreamt with mine, and you lost yourself, that pains me even more!
Maybe we are toxic for each other yes. The
chance of a great love may destroy, at least that´s what I feel. But I can´t
picture you far away from me. I don’t know why, but that’s what scares me the
most.
We can´t pretend nothing happened. It
wasn´t an accident. It was so natural that it frightens me. I’d stay forever
with you in that room. There are moments in your life that beat you so hard
with happiness. That moment was one of them for me.
I don’t know what is going on with us, why
we let it happen, when we knew where we were heading. I think it´s because we
wanted it to happen. I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know if we will be
able to. I just know that I feel good with you. And that feeling is everything.
I wouldn’t trade what I feel for you for anything in this world, even though it hurts me sometimes, the good it makes me
is greater. That has to count for something, right. I’m just afraid of choosing
to be miserable and lose you than to have to live with this anchor forever.
I’ll always be yours, whatever happens from
now on.
You know why «La Vita รจ bella»? Because you
don´t know what the future holds…
